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Pets 4: Obedience School Dropout

by Sleeping Bag

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1.
I’m a cockatiel baby, found in a parking lot of Shop Rite, dig the blu ray, if you touch it then i will fight. I love my reflection, i look so handsome, give me some affection, and I’ll give you back some. Used to live in New Jersey, it’s South Carolina now, where ever you move me, I’ll make it home somehow.
2.
Zeus (dog) 02:19
you know i wonder where you go, when you’re not at home, i bet you go to Montigo, or Vatican Rome. If I’m chosin’, then it’s frozen mango, I’m rescued at five years old. I’m a German Shepard, my name is Zeus. My best friend’s a white cat, and his name is Toulouse. When we nap together there is nothing that is overrated, i love it side by side on the bed, if you intrude on our living space in any way then, then you’re dead. I don’t like the waves much, they kind of scare me, if you’re a stranger then I’ll be weary. I just gotta get to know you better, I’m sorry that’s the way that i am, once we’re acquainted you can scratch my chest tho, a grand slam.
3.
i was found near a dumpster as a kitten, now i pop corn while sitting. Here we are dust of the stars, all we are are animals. There you are, trying to park you’re car, all we are are animals. I’m a cool fanged grey who also is very wise, I’m a sophisticate who loves chasing flies. I’m working on my doctorate in meowthropology, i hold a masters in guess what, meowsic therapy.
4.
Chef (dog) 02:01
how strange to live outside the cage, to see what’s all the rage, baby carrot cakes. How strange to be a little dog, smaller than a hog, bigger than a frog. Gotta act really tough, gotta hate feather stuff, nervous round other dogs gotta stay low. How strange my friend’s name’s Eddie, he is really sweet, just like me.
5.
Bonnie (dog) 02:36
i am a really good dog, i really think so, i am a really good dog i need a drink so, I’m gonna drink from my dog bowl, hydrogen two-o, i am a really good dog, i really think so. Bonnie Bonnie. I gallop to and fro with my best bros, if you have a treat tho I’ll have one of those, i like the sand between my toes, i really like your style of clothes, i am a really good dog, i really think so.
6.
Runt of pack, one cool cat, loved it when you pet his back. Pets Mart from the start, put him in a shopping cart. Loved fetch, would lay on chest, was the best, on a quest.
7.
Napoleon you are so much fun, you are so bubbly and sweet for everyone, so sneaky such a little sneak, ate a bag of minnows and got sick for a week he’s napoleon. Napoleon always on the hunt, trying just to eat a little piece of everyone, so vocal always speaks his mind, likes to chill and bathe in the sink to unwind. Napoleon.
8.
A rescue, was skinny now a chubby dude, i love you if you are the mom of Luke, i howl too, wear the bandana i got from you, i love food, can i have some more don’t mean to be rude. I’m Charlie a white little pound puppy, not ugly and no one can take that from me, a rescue was skinny now a chubby dude, i love you if you are the mom of Luke.
9.
I’m a picky eater, so come steal my food, don’t mean to be rude. I’ve got a fat sister, her name’s doodlebug, but she’s no slug. I’m a grey tabby, medium long hair, so cute it’s not fair. I really hate the vet, but i love catnip, it’s such a trip.
10.
Jack (dog) 02:10
I’m a stress ball that’s me, separation anxiety. I’ve had many owners but my favorite has been yours. And i know what to do when you leave the room. I’m a stress ball thru and thru but it’s better thanks to you, give me goodies give me wine give me cuddles all the time. And i know what to do when you leave the room, and i know how to act my name’s Jack.
11.
everywhere i go, “where’s Marcelo?” Retriever of gold, who is no more. Where i would roam, along came Marcelo. He was so sweet like green jello, don’t beat yourself up it was my time to go. Taught me how to live, the mighty Marcelo, helped me with depression, more than you know, don’t beat yourself up, it was my time to go.
12.
Break free Bigsby RIP. Bigsby could leap six feet. Could sink so deep his teeth. Could dream and think so deep. Break free Bigsby RIP. So free, classy, elite. Don’t clown around my crown. Don’t frown cause I’m not around.
13.
Ruth (dog) 02:29
I am Ruth, i am the truth, a retired racing greyhound dog rescue, faster than you. I see food i won’t be rude, the way i smell would give someone the blues, i don’t mean to, don’t mean to. What it do to my home crew, I’m sorry bout the noises when i snooze dreamin of you, dream of you.
14.
I cuddle you, until i got to my tomb, i may be in past tense but my sense sense is smelling all you. Was in the right crew, yeah living with all you, whoa i sat on your lap to take a nap during your interview. Hey thanks to you I’m no stray, hey I’m in love. Hey when you called my name, I’m in love. I was a black cat, whoa i was proud of that, yeah i was no bad luck you stupid shmuck in fact opposite. I helped you relax, whoa and that’s the facts, yeah i love to fart and I’m the Bart Simpson of cats.
15.
I’m a small tabby with a butterscotch belly, I’m a dusty kitten, weather permitten, by the heater in the winter, i have beautiful fur, i flop on the rug, y’all are my best buds, I’m a dusty kitten, weather permit.
16.
Zero had to go, Zero. He was so beautiful, majestic and cuddly le, a little clumsy but that’s alright, slept with Shelby every single night. Wanted to be part of everything, loved to eat a bit of ice cream, he’d come runnin when you opened the fridge, little bossy when late to feed him.
17.
born in 1987, now he’s gone up to heaven, large Congo African grey, ate cashews and cold cold eggs, sang opera in old women’s voice, had a good life so we must rejoice, director Marie thought he’d be a good fit, made life better because of it. Would tilt his head from side to side, his love for Lisa he could not hide, was curious as can be, now he’ll go down in history.
18.
Emmylou Emmylou is there something i can do to make your time a little sweeter, Emmylou Emmylou i know you like wet food when you spew gut mew oh yeah. Emmylou Emmylou you don’t like my nephew and you don’t like mice or moths either, Emmylou times two, you chirp at birds too, as you do you’re a fraidy cat.

credits

released November 1, 2023

Written, produced, engineered, mixed and mastered by Dave Segedy
Artwork by Jordan Hudkins
Special thanks to the pet owners. Adopt a pet y’all, it’ll improve your life x10

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